my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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