Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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