if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
