i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
