If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
