I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
