Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
