no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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