So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
