Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
