why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
