In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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