Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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