im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
