True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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