So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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