my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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