I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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