What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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