Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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