So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
