We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
