Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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