Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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