Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
