I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
