are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
