seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
