Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
