how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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