I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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