I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
