LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
