I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
