I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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