oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
