i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
