I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
