happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
