She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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