I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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