Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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