It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
