i'm lost and i look like a hooker
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
