I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
