oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
