my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
