if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
