You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
