you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
