i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
